The Camdens EPIC OF DISASTER!
by Joe Cloudheart
Summary: I made it PG13 for language. This is the funniest fanfic of mine yet! With a cameo from Jesus Christ himself! Annie is in Purgatory and the kids are left to their own devices. If you like my other fics, you'll love this.


The Camden's EPIC OF DISASTER  
It was a sunshine day is good ol' Glenoak. Simon whistled cluelessly as he swung a fishing rod over his shoulders and hummed the Andy Griffith theme song. Wearing overalls and a straw hat he sat down on the street corner and threw his lure into traffic several times before someone became unnerved enough by this site to call the police.  
  
After investigating the young lad's condition, a police officer decided to bring the lad home. Mary answered the door.  
  
"Guys! Simon got arrested again!"  
  
"He hasn't been arrested," said the officer simply. "It's just...he was trying to fish in the middle of Fifth and Crab Street."  
  
"Yeah, well, that's what happens when you do enough acid to kill a Sigourney Weaver movie. Hey, Matt, get out here!"  
  
"Oh my GOD, like totally leave me out of this!" yelled back a disembodied, and effeminate voice.  
  
Mary waved a voodoo stick around the cop and made him forget what he was doing and instructed him to go take up yoga. The cop departed.  
  
"Simon you little dumbass, don't make me do that again. I'm sick of saving you from prison."  
  
Mary walked away. Their fourth house amazingly looked identical to all three of their previous houses. The town wasn't that original in its architecture. Their previous houses had been torched, blown up by the military, or mauled by Godzilla. It could be a tough neighborhood sometimes.  
  
"Hey, Mary, I was just wondering..." said Lucy. "Since Mom got eaten by a saber tooth tiger and Godzilla stomped on our house, we haven't really had that much income. I mean, my porn site is generating most of it. I think we should all be pulling our weight around here."  
  
"I'm already on it!" declared Mary. "I've sent out Ruthie on some errands to collect what we need. Don't worry about a thing!"  
  
"I wonder what Mom would have thought of all this..." said Lucy.  
  
"Uh...hey, do you wanna see if we can contact her through the forces of the arcane?"  
  
"Contact the dead? Isn't that dangerous?"  
  
"Do YOU have anything to do this afternoon?"  
  
"Oh yeah, I guess you're right. Let's do it!"  
  
"Or we could watch TV..."  
  
"Oh yeah, we should do that first. All that talk about work made me tired."  
  
MEANWHILE...IN PURGATORY....  
  
Annie was surrounded by drag queens. For what seemes like aeons she had been in a glitzy, fabulously decorated room with lots of bright neon colors, sort of like the back of an exotic dance club.   
  
"Oh NOOOOO she didn't," wailed Sheneneh. NO. SHE. DIDN'T!" Sheneneh got up in her hand all up in Annie's face. "Nuh uh! Oh Hellllll no."  
  
"Girl, you know what she just said. Little mamacita thinks she's All. That!" said another snapping her fingers.  
  
"NO! Oh NO! NO SHE DIDN'! Bitch get OUT!"  
  
"All I said was this place was tacky. You're all so horrible!" Annie said, pouting.  
  
"Girl, choo better shut cho mouth, fore I KNOCK you out!" said the Hispanic drag queen, tossing her head dramtically. Another black drag queen entered into the foray.  
  
"Just look at little MISS thing, oh she too for US, ya know, she gots to go over her Sears catalog and buy herself some new winter clothes..." she said, effeminately gesturing with her hands and the others giggled and pointed at Annie's butt ugly clothes.  
  
Annie got up and stormed over. "Now look here, Miss...Whatever."  
  
"It's Snatch Honeysuckle, BITCH, and don't choo forget mah name, I'll KNOCK you out. Prissy uptight little miss thinking to outclass us. We are TOP class, honey!" she said, finger-snapping. "Bitch you don't even KNOW class. You so far from style the light from style take a billion years to reach you all!"  
  
"I want out of heeeeeeeeere," Annie wailed. Suddenly St. Peter appeared.   
  
"Oh thank GOD!"  
  
"Oh, hello there, Mrs...Camden. I see everything is going swimmingly here."  
  
"No! No it' isn't! I'm surrounded by drag queens!"  
  
"Yes, they are charming, aren't they?" said the old man, writing something down on his notepad. Suddenly his cel phone went off, beeping the theme to the Jeffersons (he looked like the white guy from that show). "Hello? Oh YES, God. She's right here. Yes, I'll tell her. Yes, I did take care of that plague. Oh no sir, YOU the man! Okay, give my love to Beethoven, I didn't want to interrupt your concert." He hung up. "Okee dokee, according to my schedule, you are due for a change in environment."  
  
"Yes! I knew God wouldn't forsake me!"  
  
"Yes, you'll be moving to the San Fran scene. This tropical place does get a bit tiresome after a while, although I hear the congas here are good..."  
  
"You don't understand! I don't want to be around drag queens!" protested Annie. The afterlife was definitely not at all like she thought it would be.  
  
"Well, I can make a note of that. But there are plenty of gay male couples for you to talk to in the Moby Dick. How hurry along, the tram shuttle will be here shortly."  
  
"Well oh la tee DAH," said Sheneneh. "Look at choo all, ready to bust a MOVE. Yeah. You'd better not make a move on MY man while you're there. I'll bust you up! C'MON! C'MON! I can take you! C'MON!" The other drag queens held Sheneneh back while Annie hurried on over to the shuttle which resembled the ones movie studios used for tourists to take pictures of drugged out whores and television shoots.  
  
Annie sadly waved to St. Peter as he transported to the really cool Star Trek planet where really cool geeks go when they die.  
  
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH....  
  
Mary and Lucy watched TV. Lucy had a TV spot that would be giving her business free promotion. They flipped through the stations.  
  
"Next, on a Very Special Blossom..." (click)  
"Next, on a Very Special Friends..." (click)  
"Next, on a Very Special Road Rules..." (click)  
"Next, Desert Whores: Sluts of the Middle East! A FOX news special of relevant, vital (and topless) importance! Get ready, as these Daughters of the Desert take it ALL off for ALLAH!" (click)  
The new channel Lucy landed on beamed the Full House theme song. The Full House Ten Year Reunion Special flickered back onto the screen.  
  
Jesse walked down the hall, mumbling. He stubbed out a cigarette in one of the potted plants. "Hey, Michelle. MICHELLE!!!" he yelled, banging on her door.  
  
"What? What the hell do you want?!" she yelled back. "I'm fucking busy!" She looked back at her computer screen, where lots of topless women bared their breasts.   
  
"Look!" said Lucy, excitedly jumping up and down on the couch. "There it is, there I am!"  
  
"That's it?" said Mary, eating popcorn. She shrugged.  
  
Jesse opened Michelle's door by picking the lock. "Where's your father? I can't find him anywhere?"  
  
"Ugh, you smell like a bar," said Michelle.   
  
"Can you just answer me a question without FUCKING AROUND WITH ME!??"  
  
"He's in his room, now get the hell out!"  
  
"Fuck you!" he said, flicking a lit match into her room, which combusted a stuffed animals into flames. As Michelle ran for a fire extinguisher, Jesse went to Danny's room. He couldn't believe he'd lived in this shithole. His new place with Joey was so much better.   
  
Danny was busy packing a suitcase. "Oh...oh, hi Jesse. Gosh, I haven't seen you in ages!" Danny tried to hug Jesse, but Jesse backed away. Joey came up behind them both, bored with torturing the dog downstairs with dog treats and then not giving it any.   
  
"You uh...goin' on a little trip, Danny?"  
  
"Oh yeah, well gee, you know I haven't in so long, I just thought I'd visit the people of America, ya know, have a real adventure..."  
  
"Uh huh. Well, you weren't gonna leave without giving us our money, were ya?"  
  
"Oh gosh, that's right," Danny chuckled. "I guess I do owe you guys money."  
  
"Yeah..." said Joey laughing. "That is funny..." and stopped laughing. "So fork it over."  
  
Danny chuckled. "Well...it's the funniest thing...it turns out my embezzling hasn't gone well and the cocaine lead I had went raw. I couldn't find a major buyer like I thought and then a couple of investments went bad..."  
  
"So...what you're saying is...you don't have our money," said Jesse, fingering his weapon. He brought out his gun and crossed his arms. Joey took the crowbar from off his belt and palmed it mercilessly.  
  
"Danny," Jesse said as Quentin Tarantino-ish music started playing in the background, "the funny thing is, I need that money." He circled around Danny, and then quickly hit him full force in the stomach with his fist. "And no one," he said, holding Danny up to the wall by Danny's face, "fucks around with us, so do you have our fucking money? No, you don't! That's a fucking mistake, Danny!" He bashed Danny's head against the wall and let the man go hobbling across the floor while Joey patted the crowbar in his hand. Joey began to rain down blows upon Danny.  
  
"You motherfucking FAG! Fucking bitch! Whore shit! Fuck! Your! Fucking Piece of SHIT routine BITCH! You call that COMEDY? DO YOU?!"  
  
By now, Danny was in not such a happy mood. The oldest daughter, whatever the hell her name was, came in and told Jesse and Joey that she'd pay off the debt with her prostitution money and Joey and Jesse kissed for a while and Joey fingered Jesse's gun. And then they went into the downstairs basement to relive old times. Cue musical theme song for "The Sopranos".   
  
"Wow," said Lucy. "I still don't like their hair. It's soooo 80's."  
  
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  
  
Why, it was the RevCam himself. RevCam walked over to a couch and sat down. He'd been somewhere in prison rotting away in a secret underground prison for a while, then he'd come back and left again to pursue his dream of building a supernatural zombie army. Unfortunately, the closest thing he'd come to in controlling was hamsters. Zombie hamsters trotted alongside him. "Ah, my zombie hamsters...I'm so pwoud of my wittle guys," he said picking one of them up. The hamster hissed and jumped at his face and bit his nose. Yelling, RevCam floundered about the room comedically. The phone rang. Mary picked it up.  
  
"Hello? Yes, he's here. Oh...I see. Yes, come right away. I'll try and keep him here." She hung up. "Dad, that was the wacko police. They'll be here soon to take you back to the looney bin."  
  
"I am no exile to be pounced upon with the insults and slings of outrageous misfourtune. For I...am BARON MUNCHAUSEN!!!" he declared and leaped on a table and took his pants off, leaving only the boxers. He grabbed a remote control lying on the table and pointed it at the boombox. Quickly, he reinacted Tom Cruise's famous scene from Risky Business and danced around singing to the tune of that famous tune "Old Time Rock n' Roll".  
  
"Dad, stop it!" said Lucy. "You're nowhere even near cute enough to pull this off!"  
  
"Dad stop it because the looney bin police will be here any minute!" said Mary. The RevCam dashed into a nearby closet and put some pants on and left using a broom for his guitar. Dancing his way out, he sure looked happy.  
  
"Stupid dad and his stupid middle age crisis," said Mary.  
  
Just then the phone rang. Apparently some teachers were angry because Ruthie had painted some odes to Satan on the school walls and they would just take forever to clean off. I mean, have you ever tried to clean spraypaint off bathroom walls? Or outside walls? Or the teacher's lounge? Anyway, it was going to be expensive to reimburse for a new paint job, and so Mary agreed to pay it.  
  
"That little twerp! I knew I should have turned her into a toad..."  
  
"Wow, that's just sooooo original, Mary. What an incredible witch you are!"  
  
"Hey, shut up! At least I can't be blamed for Ruthie, I don't even believe in God or the Devil."  
  
Suddenly the house started shaking, and an unearthly light filled the house. When it was gone, the Camden women, including Matt, were all downstairs in the same room waking up on the floor.   
  
"Oh. My God," said Matt. He was wearing black eye shadow, black leather wristbands with metal spikes, short poofed hair dyed black with a few streaks of magenta, and a black Nirvana Tshirt with torn jeans. "Holy shit, that was like SO totally weird," he said, flipping his hand effeminately. "OhmiGod I was like, what the Hell?" Matt had gone both Valley and Goth quicker than you can say "What's my Orientation?"  
  
"I dunno, Matt...why do you, like, totally call someone and find out?"  
  
"Bitch, shut up. Don't EVEN go there." Matt said, then got up slowly, and sauntered with his hands looking like they were feeling a non-existent guard rail, and opened the door. White light burst through the opening.. A man stood there with long hair and a staff.  
  
"Oh, my God, IT'S GANDALF!!!!" Lucy shouted.  
  
"No, my Child. I am Jesus. The Son of God."  
  
"Oh. Never mind then," she said, and waved him away, uninterested.  
  
"I guess my spell to contact my missing sock earlier went WAY off..." said Mary.  
  
Matt sat back down in his chair. "OH. MY. GOD!"  
  
"You can say that again. Man, I am beat. Do you have any idea what traffic is like over China? Phew! Man, you kids think you have problems. I'm up to my ass in soulspew here...those dead people all floating around me, askin' me questions. Dude, I dunno, our staff takes care of all that. Man, I am jonesin for a fruit roll up." Jesus turned a nearby vase into a fruit roll up.  
  
"Hey, we have snacks in the kitchen ya know!" said Mary.  
  
"Hey, sorry...don't get yer panties in knot man..." said Jesus, very laid back. "Scooch on over now, now yer probably wonderin' why I'm here and all..." he said, sitting on the couch between Mary and Lucy.  
  
"No," said Mary.  
"Not really," said Lucy.  
"Oh my God I think I have a zit near my ear!" announced Matt, looking into his pocket mirror and squinting.  
  
"Anyway, like I was saying, I've been sent to check over you guys for a while cause we had some problems with yer mom."   
  
"Yeah, join the club!" said Mary.  
  
"Anyway, so some stuff is goin' on here, too, and I of course have to be here. You know how it is. You guys know. Man, my parents have been getting all over my ass to do something and get out of the house and blah blah blah. I just want to play with my Game Cube once in a while!"  
  
"Well don't worry about it, if you want to crash here you can. The couch spreads out, just don't invite anyone else over without telling us, ok?"  
  
"Oh yeah, oh hey, no problem. Say, do you guys have any potato chips, I am so hungry after my flight."  
  
"Um, yeah, I guess we have some in the pantry."  
  
"Oh, and do you have any goldfish crackers?" he said following her. He opened the fridge. "Alright! Hey, you don't mind if I help myself to some spinach dip, do ya?"  
  
Mary and Lucy rolled their eyes and exchanged a glance. "No, go right ahead," said Mary in her own "I can't believe this" tone. He didn't seem to be too appreciative, seeing as how he invited himself in. Which reminded her.  
  
"Hey, Jesus. Christ. I was just wondering...how long exactly do you plan on staying here?"  
  
"Oh, I dunno. I'm sort of on this mission...waiting for ya know...whatever it is I'm supposed to do to arrive so I can take care of it. But it's kind of...kind of sketchy, I'm not really sure when I'll be able to take care of it all. I'm thinkin' maybe...a couple of days, maybe more, you know how it is when you're given a new assignment. I'm really sort of on a stakeout...hey, you have calzones!" He reached for one.  
  
Man, thought Mary. The Son of God in my house. This is gonna be a looong week.  
  
MEANWHILE, BACK WITH THE REVEREND...  
  
RevCam hopped on board the vehicle and plowed it onto the street. Clutching his hat he felt the air in his face and the town at a shock as he hit a small tree with his shiny new fire engine.   
  
"BEEP BEEP!" he said, clutching his newly acquired fireman's hat. "Reverend coming through! BEEP!" He put on the siren and pulled the cord and drove in circles around the center of town for a good while before hitting an ice cream truck dead on while the driver was chasing a bunch of kids for throwing pennies at his face.  
  
"My truck!"  
  
"Tutti frutti!" said the RevCam and took a popsicle from the ground before getting back on his fire engine and reassuming his course. Eventually he drove to a deserted cliff and as the police helicopters and cars circled him, hurled the fire engine over the cliff at full speed, where it crashed and detonated, because everything that falls off a cliff has to explode. He escaped using a parachute he made himself at home out of plastic sheeting and duct tape. (thank you, Homeland Security Act!)  
  
MEANWHILE, BACK WITH ANNIE...  
  
Annie was filled in a club where wonderful music from Queer as Folk played. She miserably looked for someone nice and churchy she could talk to, about fun things like doilies, and laundry detergent, but couldn't really. Suddenly a very nice looking young woman in a black frock straight out of the 50's approached her, and tentatively brushed her lace free of dust. Amidst the blaring music and dancing neon lights, she guided Annie to a secluded corner of the room, where they began to talk.  
  
"You looked so alone...I just thought maybe you could enjoy the company of someone more like yourself," said the woman who introduced herself as Grace.  
  
"You couldn't be more right...this...this just isn't me," she said, extending a hand towards the decadence. A young man snorting crystal threw up nearby her on the dance floor. Some other nice people helped him up and rushed him to a nearby medical aide in an adjoining room. (note: it's purgatory, so they have ways of taking care of that. It's not like he's going to die. Don't worry, this is a nice fanfic.:))  
  
"So where are you from?"  
  
"Glenoak," replied Annie, flattered someone nice had finally taken an interest in her.  
  
"That sounds nice. Maybe you can show it to me one day."  
  
"Well believe me, I'd love to, but I am sort of trapped here..."  
  
"Well then maybe we can have fun together and make the most of things," said Grace, fingering Annie's necklace, and then pulling Annie towards her into a sudden and violent surge of passion. Annie, being kissed by a woman, barely had time to shove her aside in time. Ick! Lesbian germs were crawling all over her, she was sure! She ran away spitting, leaving Grace a temporary wreck until she noticed the pretty goth chick behind her with brown hair and a body to kill.   
  
"Hey, so...where are you from," she said smiling.   
  
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH, YET AGAIN...  
  
Simon was doodling in his room when he popped another hit. He walked downstairs and said hi briefly to Matt, who was color-coding his new ensembles, which didn't make much sense as they were just different shades of black, and Mary, who was preparing her witch stuff in order to contact her mother beyond the grave.  
  
Jesus approached Matt.  
  
"Hi-ii," said Matt, as he put a shirt on the ironing board. Matt was by now so flaming he could start the Olympics.  
  
"Hey man, I was just wondering, can I use your sound systems later on tonight? I'm thinking of having a few people over..."  
  
"People?" said Mary. "Like who?"  
  
"Oh, just some guys I know...Jack Kerouac, Desi Arnez, James Dean, Bob Hope..."  
  
"Wait a minute...wait a minute!" said Matt. "James Dean is coming here! Oh my God, what will I wear?"  
  
Jesus, who ever since he had arrived, took everything Matt said to be directed at him, replied.  
  
"Oh, I'm sure he'll like you no matter what, he's a really cool guy. Really sharp sense of humor. I remember this one time we decided to mess with some Japanese tourists in the Great Barrier Reef by appearing in a tidepool and a couple of glasses of Mai Tai's..."  
  
"I guess it's okay...as long as you keep the noise to a minimum...Lucy and I are trying to make some money so we need quiet time to think of ideas."  
  
"Hey, man, no problem, thanks guys, you're all really swell," said Jesus, helping himself to some Cheez-Its (the good, spicy kind) and some cranberry juice.  
  
"He sure eats a lot - for someone with a Biblical figure..." said Mary, somewhat bitterly.  
  
Simon ate more goldfish crackers and wandered around until he found the black Jesus statue he loved so. This was the best spot in the house to get stoned.   
  
"Hey...hey...hey, can I have some goldfish, too?" asked the Jesus statue.   
  
"Suuuuuure!" said Simon, cramming some into the statue's mouth.  
  
"Hey, do you know the song? The really cool one?"  
  
"I like the fishes cause they're-  
  
"Sooo delicious!  
  
"Love those fiiiiishes!" they sang in unison.  
  
At this point, Jesus walked into the den and saw Simon singing the "I love the fishes cause they're...so delicious!" song, by himself, next to a statue of him. Getting kind of weirded out, he looked away uncomfortably, and slowly backed out of the room.  
  
"Wow, that is like, one wacky kid," he commented to Lucy.  
  
"Can't you do anything about him?" she asked.  
  
"Hey, ya know, I would, but he's happy, and ooh!" he said, as his watch beeped. "Oprah's on! Hey, c'mon, I hear they're having Avril Lavigne on today..." He put an arm around her shoulder. Lucy rolled her eyes and followed resignedly.  
  
MEANWHILE, BACK WITH THE REVCAM....UM, AGAIN...  
Olive Garden was filled with wonderfully happy people eating marginally good food, including a rather bland and uninspired version of pesto sauce. Couples chattered, families supped unsuspiciously, and rambunctiousness was simply not present. In trotted RevCam, who asked for a seat, and then stared at his waiter and leaned forward. The waiter, a cute gay one with a buzz cut, leaned back as the RevCam leered, and, slightly weirded out, asked if he could wait a minute. Left alone to his own devices, The RevCam took a duck shaped cream holder and made it quack, trying to amuse several horrified looking hostesses with his antics until the waiter returned.  
  
"Your table is ready, sir." RevCam followed and was given a menu.  
  
"Awwww," he said. "Don't you have any pictures of food?" he whined.  
  
"They do at Denny's honey. And we ain't it," he said, finger snapping. "Just let me know when you're ready to order, I'll be back shortly."  
  
The RevCam looked through his menu for a while, and then bored, tried to make a picture out of his spit onto the pink napkin he had unfolded. Several patrons stared.  
  
"Mah. Bah. Meh!" he spoke aloud, to no one in particular. Getting up, he went over to the salad bar, and got some breadsticks and smashed them against the window pane. Amused, he did this seven times, before a woman scolded him for it.   
  
"Mah! Ba mah! Ma beh. Bam Bam!" he said, striking an unused table with his fist. Then he walked up an elderly coupled and started shoving stroganoff in his mouth with his hands. Stunned, they exchanged horrified looks.  
  
"Fank oo!" he said, spitting pasta everywhere. He turned to leave but then drank part of the husband's grapefruit juice, which he spit out in a spray.  
  
"Well, I never!" said the larger old woman with gray curly hair and a pearl necklace.   
  
"Well ya should, ya'd probably make yah Saturday nights more interestin'," said the RevCam, doing his best Groucho Marx impression. "Whoo hoo! Whoo hoo!" he hooted, just like Woody Woodpecker, and strutted about the place. Two waiters tried to stop him, and were about to ask him to leave, when he took an entire bread loaf from a shelf and shouted.  
  
"To the death! Duel me with thine own yeasty concoction, foul sir!"  
  
"Aahhhhhhhh!" went the effeminate waiter and ran. The gay waiter who had first served him threw his apron aside dramatically, and began to battle the RevCam with a couple of sausages he'd grabbed from the kitchen. Dueling dramatically, sausage against bread, bread against sausage, finally a blow was struck, and in a ninja like accuracy, the waiter lodged a sausage into the RevCam's mouth, and swerved, pirouetted, and knocked the loaf out of the RevCam's hand. The patrons in Olive Garden launched into applause. Doing one last backflip, the waiter landed on a table and went all Jackie Chan up in the RevCam's face and sent him hurtling into a fat teenage girl eating blueberry waffles with whipped cream.  
  
"You TURD! I'll teach you TURD! Eat this!" and so Wendy sat on the RevCam, bouncing on him repeatedly.  
  
After being kicked out of Olive Garden, RevCam wandered around for a while and aimlessly looked for stuff to do.  
  
"Man, people are so weird. They're weird. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE VOICES IN MY HEAD!" he loudly informed some woman walking her dog on the sidewalk. Walking further along he saw another dog, and for some reason he thought suddenly he was a dog.  
  
"Urrrh???" he said, making a Scooby noise. Suddenly the looney bin people drove up in their van behind him and chased with nets.  
  
"Ruh roh! Rogcathers!" said the RevCam, and ran for it.  
  
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH, YET AGAIN, AWAY FROM THE POINTLESS MEDIA REFERENCES...  
  
Lucy and Mary and Jesus Christ were all sitting on the couch watching TV.  
  
"Next, on a very special Wishbone...the group tells the story of 100 Days of Sodom by the Marquis de Sade!" said the announcer.  
  
"Oh yes! Oh YES! Oh yes! Yes, Wishbone! Good boy, Wishbone! GOOD boy! GOOD boy!"  
  
"Man, FOX is buying everything nowadays," said Lucy.  
  
"Really?" said Mary. "I thought this was the WB. Huh." She ate more popcorn.  
  
"Hey, do ya mind passin' the popcorn over this way?" asked Jesus. Mary sighed and passed the bag. Sharing cranberry juice with Jesus was one thing, but everything she ate seemed to gravitate his way. As if everything were just about HIM.  
  
"So anyway, like I was telling you guys, my parents just won't get off my back," Jesus said, eating some Pringles. "I mean...I do all this work-" he said, with his mouth full "But they just don't get that I need a little R&R here and there."  
  
Mary snorted. A little R&R? Jesus had been hanging out with them for over a week and a half now. She and Lucy had several schemes down for making money and they still hadn't contacted their mother beyond the grave. But then, things were busy right now. Dad had been on the news several times, and Happy was nowhere to be seen. Grandma might have made him into a pie, she thought. It could explain the gritty tendons she had to fish out of her mouth the week before.  
  
"So! I have a surprise for you guys!" said Lucy, very excited. "For one of our schemes to make fast dough, I've made a robomaid!"  
  
Matt scoffed. "You don't know anything about robots!"  
  
"Shut up, Matt!" she yelled infuriated. "Anyway," she said sweetly "it was really simple. I give you...RoboMom!" She thrust a curtain aside dramatically and threw it against the wall. There, a Terminator like robot stood with in a flowery apron and horrible blonde wig.   
  
"Hey, it looks like Mom!" said Mary.  
  
"Duh. Now all I have to turn it on and the bucks come rollin' in..." Lucy said, thinking she was the smart one. She turned on a button.  
  
"Clean your room...clean your room...dust and polish..." said the mechanical voice. Robot arms swung clumsily as the robot rolled around the living room. "Must keep schedule...clean and polish...dust turkey and cook vacuum..." Sparks flew.  
  
"Uh oh..."  
  
Suddenly sparks flew a lot and the robot started spinning madly.   
  
"Duck for COVER!" screamed Lucy. Lucy, Matt, Mary, and Jesus all headed for the kitchen while said robot swiveled and twirled and the eyes caught on fire and bullets started firing out of the boobs.  
  
"Why did you add THAT feature?" asked Mary.  
  
"I dunno...it sounded like a good idea at the time! Anyway, bite me."  
  
RoboAnnie exploded and took a third of the house with it.  
  
"Oh man!"  
  
"Lucy, you idiot."  
  
"Thank Lucy for blowing up the house, kids," said Mary.  
  
"Thanks for blowing up the house, Lucy," everyone said.  
  
"Hey wait a minute!" said Lucy. "The Son of God is right here...fix our house."  
  
"Whoa man...I can't be going and helping everyone in the world...the next thing you know you'll be asking me to pay rent." He laughed, as if that was truly absurd. "I mean...I can't do it all, man."  
  
"Yeah? How bout no more free snack foods? How bout' no more Monday night football? I could always go to church and complain that you aren't even doing anything..."  
  
"Hey, I told you guys, I'm waiting for a job to come through..."  
  
"Yeah, right!" said Mary. "Face it, you're just nothing but a freeloading divinity. We figured that you were just hiding out for now while escaping all your responsibilities..."  
  
"Man, you don't know what it's like out there! There's all this...this...stuff in the world. It's crowded, and people are all mean, and they all want something, and there's smog, and Kathie Lee Gifford, and country music and K-Mart clothing, and fishing vests, and pickup trucks and war, and ivory hunters, and CBS, and political strife and guerrilla warfare and..."  
  
"We get the idea!" Mary said, cutting him off. "But I think you owe us for letting you stay here. Think of all we've done for you."  
  
"You're right. You guys are right," said Jesus admittedly, and with a wave of his hand their house was normal again. Or at least it was the way before. Wouldn't exactly call it normal, they are the Camdens.  
  
"Now, Jesus..." said Lucy. "I think you've learned a valuable lesson here today."  
  
"Yeah," said Mary "You can't hide from your responsibilities. Life just doesn't work that way."  
  
"And when you feel down, you can't just escape the world, it's always going to be there. You have to take the good and the bad," said Lucy.  
  
"I totally agree," said Matt, buffing his nails. "I mean, I really wanted this makeup case, but I couldn't get it the other month because I spent so much money at the beauty spa. I'm sure you can relate."  
  
"Maybe I should get a move on. I mean, I haven't really been doing that much with my life," Jesus said. "Maybe I should take on some kind of task, ya know, do something responsible for a change."  
  
"Before you go, um, could you give me James Dean's phone number?" said Matt.   
  
"It doesn't really work that way, you can't call him. You'd need a DeathPhone, and those are kind of expensive."  
  
"Fuck," said Matt. "That little shit lied to me! He said we'd always be together. NEVER date a dead guy!"  
  
"ANYway," said Mary, rolling her eyes, "I'm glad we were able to help. I hope that if you have any other problems, you'll feel free to call us, or...come back and talk."  
  
"Thanks you guys. You really are great. But hey, look, I should be in Bermuda by now. I'm supposed to take care of this whole Triangle thing, but maybe I'll take in a few rays while I'm there. The supertanker shouldn't be attacked by the Atlanteans until, oh, about 5. Anyway, you guys take care now. And don't talk to anyone named Beelzebub if he comes by, that guy owes me for poker games and he always squelches - you can't trust him worth squat!"  
  
Mary smiled. "Oh, Jesus..." she said and rolled her eyes. "I'm gonna miss you, you big galoot."  
  
"Aw hey, thanks, and if you ever need me, here's my cup from the Last Supper. Some paparazzi guy in a fedora had it until I swiped it back from him a couple decades ago, but you can borrow it. It has cool powers and you can call me with it if anything should pop up...OR any cool parties." They all laughed. Jesus departed on a golf cart that was just outside their house, and he took off into the sky, whistling the Andy Griffith theme song as he went.  
  
Suddenly, Ruthie was there. She had roots in her hair and mud all over her.   
  
"What happened to you?" Matt said, all grossed out.  
  
"There's a giant insect and Daddy made him eat a bunch of people and I got mud ALL over me!"  
  
Everyone laughed at Ruthie.   
  
"But, I thought you might like to know that Daddy's back and he's giving a sermon tonight."  
  
Everyone replied with mock enthusiasm.  
  
"Oh, whoopee!" said Lucy.  
"Hooray," said Matt.  
"Yippee skippee," said Simon.  
"Now my day is complete," said Mary, as sarcastically as she could.  
  
Later, at the church...the kids attended, complete with baskets of rotten vegetables and fruits to throw at their father.  
  
The RevCam stood up with pompous "sincerity" and took his place at the podium.  
  
"Many of you think that maybe I am not fit to be your Reverend. True, my wife was gobbled up by a saber toothed tiger, and true I stole a fire truck and started a cult bent on world domination, but I only had your best interests at heart the entire time.." Tears welled up in his eyes.   
  
"I have SINNED AGAINST YOU, MY LORD!!!" he said, going all Jim Baker. A cabbage nicked him in the ear. A tomato plopped him in the nose, which he wiped off.  
  
Just then, flying saucers landed outside. It was night and they had a hell of a time finding parking places. Martians overcrowded into the church, and made people into quivering puddles of slime with their green death rays. (I know, just when you thought this fanfic couldn't do anything more unexpected).   
  
"Meh meh!" they shouted. People screamed like they always do when a moronic show like 7th Heaven gets on the air, and went running out of the church. RevCam ran down and pulled out a flame thrower. He torched a couple aliens and in the midst of all this Mary created a timewarp that sent her and her siblings back to Jazz Age New York, where they watched Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly perform. Unfortunately a bunch of aliens came through and began zapping people in the big finale when they had their fake guns. Roxie got stabbed through the abdomen by a flying alien arm that went flying (it had claws) and in the melee, Catherine Zeta Jones escaped cause she's rad.  
  
Anyway, back in Glenoak, an arsenal was preparing to go to war with Iraq, cause that's a productive thing to do when there's about as much there threatening us as a cup of Kool Aid, and aliens invading meant they had to go bomb Iraq, cause someone had to be responsible for that as well! Government logic. Anyway.   
  
So the RevCam was talking about Jesus to himself, unsuspecting that is was Jesus that ate all of his Ho-Ho's and trudged about the charred remains of the town which was being laser beamed to death. Ruthie was riding one of the giant bugs from Starship Troopers, being the little maggot she is, and the kids came back from the time warp into their living room. What to do, what to do?  
  
"Maybe we should contact Mom from the grave!" said Lucy.   
  
"Now?" asked Mary. "We're being invaded by aliens. What could she do?"  
  
"How the hell should I know? What am I, Dionne Warwick? Just make with the mojo and dial Mom up."  
  
Mary threw all her gear into action and started up the spell.  
  
Charlie Sheen, Tom Cruise  
Banana peels with a slight bruise  
I Call upon the sightless ghouls  
That feast on flesh with bloody pools  
Joan Rivers, Sharon Stone  
Pauly Shore, and Raven Simone!  
I call upon them, Stars gone by  
From the depths of Hell, Their acting supply  
Horrid, wretched, but nevermind  
I use the power of bad acting to summon, reply!  
Annie Camden, Come in..Annie Camden...Major Tom and Annie Camden...OOOOOHHHHHHHH!  
  
Mary made some more spooky noises and then it was done. Green fire spurted up and the cauldron made a loud LOUD belch noise. Annie appeared disheveled with about fifty drag queens and more coming out of the portal. Soon, they had an army of gay people. They went out onto the streets, dressed better than any military in history and kicked the alien's butts in a gruesome battle we won't describe here because it would take too long. Remember how long it took Tolkien to describe Helm's Deep? Alrighty then? Much carnage followed and most of the town didn't get all blown up, but then Simon found a grenade in his room and hurtled it into his school and it blew up. Not a nice thing to do, but whatever. It's sort of interesting.  
  
Then, let's just say, oh, they all had a great big musical number singing "When it's Time to Change, You've got to Re-Arrange" ala the Brady Bunch, but just replace all the really cool actors from that movie with all the Camdens, Annie, (with singed hair) RevCam (babbling to dogs) Mary (in something slutty) Lucy (in something equally slutty) Simon, Matt (coming onto anything capable of growing facial hair) and Happy (as a soufflé of some sort) a couple of aliens, Catherine Zeta Jones, James Dean, (in a purple and blue pin-striped suit. That'd be rad.) Joey from Full House (with crowbar), the gay waiter from Olive Garden, Wishbone the dog, RoboAnnie, Sheneneh, and Jesus, in a brief cameo where he gives some poncho to someone covered with Austin Powers 70's retro like flower designs on it.  
  
And then for the hell of it, a saber toothed tiger rushes down the happy musical-filled street, and in broad daylight, eats Annie again.  
  
THE END!!!  
  
Yakkity SHMAKKITY!!!  
Tell me what you think. And be honest, I take pride in my work so... 


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